Figaro Bistrot (Los Feliz): Happy Hour Edition

food: 4/5

experience: 1/5

overall: 2/5

If you want an authentic French cafe experience in Los Angeles, look no further than this little out-of-the-way bistro on Vermont, way in East LA. Not that East LA. The gentrified part.

Their happy hour menu is extensive, and it's all top notch. Dining with friends we were able to conquer just about the entire menu. And it's super reasonable to boot. Here goes...

French fries: 3/5

A classic. They are "French" after all so why not? They put some parsley on them to amp them up a bit. These are just okay to be honest. They taste like fries. Skinny cut which is not my favorite. Though I do like the extra crispy ones and the burnt ones.

Escargots: 5/5

It was a risk, trying snails. But it paid off! These are delightful. Soaked in butter, garlic, and parsley I believe, these basically taste like clams. Or mussels. Or something. I don't know, but they're chewy and they're good. Don't knock it til you try it.

Spinach cheese raviolis: 4/5

These look very fancy indeed. The interior is spinach and ricotta. Ricotta is a very subtle cheese that doesn't taste like anything really; it mostly adds texture. The sauce on top is sweet, not quite sure what it is but I'm guessing balsamic vinaigrette. Some sort of cream sauce on top that is also subtle.

Beef carpaccio: 4.5/5

Carpaccio is very thin-sliced meat. In this case beef. Very flavorful, salty and meaty, but also delicate. Comes with a delicious salad on top with Romano cheese. This dish is super fresh, served chilled.

Crab cakes: 5/5

Some of the best crab cakes I've ever had. Breaded and fried outside, tender and flavorful on the inside. Comes with marinara which only adds to the flavor, just as long as you don't completely smother it.

Spicy sautéed calamari: 5/5

This is more like a entree, not to be shared. Fresh squid marinated in a flavorful marinara sauce (does marinara mean marinated?). A satisfying amount of squid, not too much. Also very fresh.

Burrata crostini: 4.5/5

Burrata cheese is delicious. Nice and fresh, served chilled, thick on the outside and soft on the inside. Topped with basil plus tomato and balsamic vinegar.

Goat cheese and prosciutto bruschetta: 5/5

Goat cheese is a little more flavorful to me. More pungent. So these have a slight edge over the burrata. Plus they have prosciutto on top which rounds out the flavor and makes it more hearty. They're both bomb though.

Mini burger: 4.5/5

A solid burger. Done medium rare, the perfect style of done-ness, naturally. Comes with a slice of swiss, bell peppers, and garlic aioli, on a soft brioche bun.

Coconut shrimp: 5/5

Six big shrimps battered in coconut batter, fried crispy, served with a spicy sweet and sour sauce. Not French but very delish.

Bread basket: 3.5/5

Eh, s'aight. Two slices of French bread and two slices of brown bread with sesame seeds. The French bread, for a French cafe, is very blasé. The brown bread is good. Brown bread is always good.

Cucumber roll with yogurt and smoked salmon: 4/5

Kind of a weird combo but whatever. It's sliced cucumber wrapped up with smoked salmon topped with yogurt and orange slices. Yeah not kind of weird - really weird. I have no idea how this is French. The smoked salmon is the best part but yeah uh...you're on your own with this one.

Gratined mussels: 3.5/5

Four mussels for eight bucks is a little steep considering there's not much to them. They have mozzarella melted on them which is meh, and I think creme fraiche on top as well, plus pesto. Even with all these flavors it still wasn't that, well, flavorful. They're all very mild flavors so there isn't much of a pop.

Mozzarella fried sticks: 5/5

Gotta love fried mozzarella sticks. These ooze cheese when you cut into them and they're nice and thick. Covered in crusty panko crumbs with marinara on the side.

Artichoke heart tempura: 4.5/5

Hmm. Not bad. Fried artichoke hearts in tempura batter. It is what it is. I like artichoke hearts and the tempura batter is pretty good. Comes with aioli which tastes like horseradish kind of. It's different. I like it.

Swiss cheese and beef skewer: 5/5

This is a huge chunk of cheese with thin-sliced beef wrapped around it. The beef is fresh and salty, and the cheese tastes as Swiss should - not the kind you get packaged in the store. Try this and you'll see what you've been missing out in the Swiss Cheese realm.

Avocado toast with ahi tuna: 3.5/5

Little crostinis with avocado and chopped ahi on top. It's fresh, sure, but at ten bucks it seems like a bit of a rip off. Certainly not filling.

Dessert time! Also on the happy hour menu...

Nutella and banana crepe: 5/5

Magnifique! If the French cafe can't get the French bread right at least they get the crepes right. This is thin, soft, but flaky and crisp on the tips. Authentic as fuck. The nutella isn't slathered on there, it's more just like a spread. Bananas and strawberries on top make it very refreshing. That plus the fresh whipped cream on the side that tastes homemade.

Chocolate eclair (middle): 4.5/5

Full of chocolate custard. Very chocolate-y chocolate custard. Topped with more rich chocolate frosting. The shell isn't that good but the filling is great.

Coffee eclair (left): 3.5/5

The coffee tastes pretty artificial here. Not a fan. And like I said the shell isn't that good. This one is kind of a miss.

Muffin (right): 5/5

Different ones every day but same basic concept. This is the blueberry muffin which also has bananas. It has a crumble on top as all blueberry muffins should. Crisp on top and moist on the inside with plenty of fruit. Very fresh.

Millefeuille: 4/5

A layered dessert with thick spongey cream and flaky pastry dough, plus a frosting on top. Pretty decent. It's supposed to have an almond flavor I believe but I didn't taste it.

Brioche: 4/5

Like the hamburger bun but a little sweeter. They have regular and chocolate chip. Chocolate chip is always good. It's simple but tasty.

Not on the review list but honorably mentioned: fresh oysters ($2.50 each, minimum three) - these are a bit too pricey for me given their satisfaction factor. Also, cheesecake. It's just plain cheesecake, no flavor. Boring. And the macarons which I'm personally just not a fan of (minimum three purchase too).

One bad thing about this place, and LA in general, is they are very much a part of the COVID cult. The waitress who normally serves us completely got on my case for not wearing a mask inside to rush in and out of the bathroom. After this she seemed to hold a grudge on me every time I went. Refilling everyone's water but mine, dismissing me, ignoring me, being curt, not bringing me a box when I asked, one time overcharging me. All the more disappointing because every time I came it was a large group so she managed to add in a mandatory 18% tip. Being that business is down, it's not wise to treat regular customers (who end up bringing in over a hundred dollars easy per visit) like crap.

The last straw was our last visit. They established some arbitrary rule out of nowhere where parties of five (five? Why an odd number?) were the max. So they barricaded our group of eight away from each other and separated our tables a few feet away (why not the "established" six feet? Can we at least pretend to be scientific?). We couldn't talk to each other at all. Not only that but in spite of having a party of three, our bills still had the added 18% tip automatically. That pretty well pissed me off. So this place went from good to bad to awful. Like I said I won't support small businesses who treat their customers like garbage.